Toy Bender

Awhile back I had covered a G.I. Joe commercial from the 90s that had some live action Joe’s that featured some truly terrible martial arts action. This commercial doesn’t have as much live action “acting”, but there’s enough to give you at least a minor chuckle:

If the upcoming movie isn’t any worse than this, I might be satisfied.

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If there was one toy loss that sucked the most for me, it would have to be the loss of my original G.I. Joe Skyhawk. Now, I wrote before about how I lost the Soundwave I wanted so badly, but this one hurt a tad more only based purely on the circumstances.*

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The G.I. Joe Club recently revealed the next wave of vehicles due out in the G.I. Joe line and it’s a pretty decent mix for Joe fans.

Arctic H.I.S.S.

Man, they are really whipping out those H.I.S.S. tanks in a frenzy aren’t they? I haven’t bought a single one yet, due to the fact I bought one during the 2000 re-release and haven’t felt the need to buy multiples. This arctic H.I.S.S. is the first of the tanks that I’ve actually contemplated about getting, mostly because its different enough to me to make it worthwhile. Hasbro, if you’re reading this, please make a H.I.S.S. that also has troop carrying capacity in the back like the H.I.S.S. II. The more figures I can cram onto a vehicle the better.

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When you think big G.I. Joe vehicles, the USS Flagg immediately springs to mind, but there doesn’t seem to be enough love for the Defiant launch complex:

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Warning! If you like G.I. Joes and you like your sanity, then do not read any further. However, if you want be subjected to a serious bout of confusion, anger/sickness which is accompanied by vomiting, then read on.

This time we are going to look at not one auction, but many auctions that are quite noteworthy. Fairly recently they were pointed out on some G.I. Joe message boards due to the fact that they were for vintage, carded figures from ‘82 and fetched a grand total of five dollars each.

Now before you start thinking that it was some scheme to get around eBay fees by charging hundreds of dollars for shipping, you can stop right there, smarty. The auctions had a shipping price of only 3.00 bucks for priority mail. Accounting for the fees and the lowest price for priority anything is $4.80, I’m guessing the profit margin here of around three dollars per figure maximum.

In case you’re wondering Scarlett alone is listed on the online G.I. Joe price guide as going for $300 to $400 and that’s ungraded.

I’ll give you a moment to compose yourself.

You may question the authenticity of the auctions. I don’t blame you, you’re probably on the brink of losing your mind. I asked the seller myself:

ToyBender: Are the auctions legit? (i.e. are they really vintage figures that haven’t been re-carded?)

Wake_Watcher: They were legit. Never touched.

ToyBender: Why did you sell them for such a low price?

Wake_Watcher: I sold them at that price because I didn’t know their value. They’ve been sitting in my basement for 25 years. My dad was selling them at $2 each after paying $1.50 each.

ToyBender: Can collectors expect more of these type of auctions in the future?

Wake_Watcher: The only thing I have left is the miniature Care Bears from that era. I’ll be putting them out in the near future.

And there you have it. The only way I can cope with missing out on this deal of the decade is to completely deny this is real at all despite all evidence to the contrary in order to maintain my outlook of a world that is orderly and without chaos. You know, kind of like a 911 conspiracy nut.

It’s fake I tell you! Fake!

As previously reported here, G.I. Joe Wave 11 has a figure that many children of the ’80s will remember, Matt Trakker from M.A.S.K. Toy News International has images of the figures from wave 11 carded, but let’s face it, everyone is really focusing on good ole’ Matt:

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If you ordered a 25th Anniversary Doc and have been waiting patiently or otherwise for him, Hasbro updated their official G.I. Joe site (which is hardly ever updated) with news that the extra batch of figures they made has reached the US and will start shipping within the next 4 to 8 weeks! Sweetness!

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It’s our third and final installment of the SDCC Cobra Commander Contest. Think of it as the Revenge of the Sith of the series, except with less children dying. Let’s get this party started with a short story by the world famous Esbat:

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It’s time for more contest entries from the SDCC Cobra Commander contest that concluded a few weeks ago! This time let’s take a look at a few of the poetry submissions and some of the illustrations I received.

There were a few poems that knocked the later Joe mythos:

Scott Rosenberg

Untitled Haiku

Burgess Meredith,
You deserved a better role.
La La La La La

But it could be worse.
Golobulus became a toy,
Big Lob is AWOL

Matt Semmler

Cobra Commander
Leader of the Masked Legions
Serpentor’s a Douche

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I’m man enough to know when I’m licked and I’ve been licked hard and often. I’ve recently discovered a site, and by happy chance gotten a few comments of the perpetrators of said site, that is so awesome I’ve contemplated both suicide (albiet a hilarious suicide involving horseradish and a monkey) and retirement. The blog I’m referring to is called Broca Blutch and it deals with G.I. Joe and how awesome they are. It’s mostly character centric pieces with pics of the toys thrown in. Here’s an example of their most excellent post discussing the best couple in G.I. Joe:

The real key to success here, though, is Lady Jaye, and I’ll let you in on a secret: Lady Jaye is probably like the best G.I. Joe ever. You have so many guys who are just like ‘well I have a machine gun and love cooking,’ ‘I have a stretcher and am from Massachusetts,’ ‘I’m a firefighter and the Vipah is coming,’ blah blah blah. Lady Jaye has a baseball cap and power javelins. That’s right: POWER javelins. If you’re firing your gun up at a Cobra Rattler and glance over to see this girl huck a big stick up at it so well that the plane explodes, well, you’d probably feel like a real piece of shit, I bet.

Not only are they dead on of their assessment of Joes, there’s comedy gold going on like it’s the California gold rush. I’d recommend checking out Broca Blutch if you’re a Joe fan or just would like an extra laugh or two during your work day.

After finishing the San Diego Cobra Commander giveaway a few weeks ago I had promised to put up some of the entries. Then my work exploded and I forgot about it, but now I’ve finally gotten it together and can share some of the great entries (in a couple of posts). I’m not going to be posting everything, just the winners and a select few others. Thanks again to everyone who entered and I hope you enjoy these.

The Winner was David Anderson’s short story, which wasn’t really titled, but should be called, “The Things You See in Bars.”

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From the “things we have already seen, but are still nice to look at file” comes the Diamond Previews newest G.I. Joe solicitations. The most notable in the solicitations are the brand spanking new 25th style Joe vehicles that were previously shown at comic-con.

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I’m about to poop my pants with excitement. The newest leaked Wal- Mart store listing of G.I. Joe figures on HissTank.com has the Alley Viper in it! Not to tread a very worn path, the Alley Viper is one of my favorite Joe figures of all time. This leaked list has finally given me hope that I’ll see the return of one of the coolest Joe figures. Hell, they don’t even need to color him in his gaudy orange, I’ll buy like eight and paint him myself if it comes down to it.

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It’s time for part two of my toy haul from the San Jose Toy, Comic, and Record Show!

Star Wars Micro Collection Bespin Gantry - $12.00

This is one of those purchases that was totally spontaneous. When I was a kid my Dad bought me the companion piece to this rare-ish Star Wars toys wayyyy after they should have been in stores. It was flipping sweet. The only reason I got this one was that I picked it up and asked how much the dealer wanted for it. He said twenty bucks, which was out of my price range since it was at the tail end of my spending and I wasn’t that interested. I put the box down and the guy then tells me he’d take fifteen. I said I’d have to think about it and he suddenly offers it to me for twelve. This guy must have been desperate the way he talked himself down so quickly. I bought it at that moment, but man I wonder what he’d have offered if I would have turned that down. There was probably a free puppy that I missed out on. Damn it.

Shawn managed to get a huge deal from the guy with virtually no effort as well. I’m wondering if this dealer should rethink his line of work.

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Well after many delays I’ve finally can reveal who the winner of the San Diego Comic Con ‘08 Cobra Commander figure… but let me first play a song from my new album.

But seriously, the grand prize winner is…

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