Well Mattel just scored a pretty big win against MGA. A jury recently awarded them a whopping 100 million dollars and CEO, Isaac Larian, for copyright infringement and general buggery. That’s a big chunk of change that MGA now has to fork over for basically stealing the Bratz doll away from Mattel (as the Judge and jury would have it).

While standing in front of a giant flaming pile of Bratz dolls* Mattel’s lawyer said, “After carefully weighing nearly three months of testimony and evidence, the jury arrived at a unanimous and undeniable conclusion that MGA engaged in illegal business practices.”

MGA’s lawyer responded by saying, “That’s what your mom said… last night… when I was humping her…”*

*Dear Lawyer guys, these are jokes please don’t sue me. K THX!!

Update: My source had it wrong. Guess it was 100 million. God damn.

This muscled god of toy design (at least according to Google Image search and that thing is never wrong) was immortalized as an action figure. You might have seen it, it was the Endor Rebel soldier released a few years ago that many people confused as being based on Tom Green. I don’t think that’s enough. I’m ready to make a golden calf in his honor. That reminds me, ToyFare if you are listening here’s a candidate for your hall of fame!

Wow, how exciting (please add a moderate amount of sarcasm there). At first I thought the Stormtrooper was urinating because of the angle his back is turned to us combined with the way his arm is positioned. Maybe that’s what happened. Uncle Owen started to throw some ‘tude at a Trooper that needed to relieve himself on Aunt Beru. I hate to say Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru deserved their horrible charred fates, but if a Stormtrooper wants to pee on your wife you better let him (and then you better damn well thank him afterwards).

Shoot. Now I have the song, “The Boys Are Back In Town” stuck in my head.

And my wife just told me is what we need more of is action figure collections of people just before they die.

This wave consists entirely of repaints. Jebus Hasbro, I know you want to reuse figures as often as possible, but an entire wave full of repaints? The major saving grace of this one has got to be Python Patrol Crimson Guard figure. He looks better than I’d imagined he would be, considering how toned down the Tiger Force figures are. I also like Tripwire, but I do have an attachment to him due to the fact he’s one of the earliest Joes I ever owned. I might have to pick up this version only because I can’t find the comic pack with him in it anywhere. If you want all the pieces of the M.A.S.S. Device it looks like you’ll have no other choice but to pick up Tripwire repaint and the recolored TORPEDO who really is a Cobra diver this round. Yeah, I didn’t think they’d pack those pieces in figures that anyone would really want. The cartoon colored Ripper is okay, I suppose, and the Cobra Trooper with red symbol is kind of a waste. The urban camo Storm Shadow is… ugh punch me in the face for saying this… something I might have to buy.

Hey everyone, if there’s one thing that we need more of in our lives it’s Alf.

While on a search for toy commercials to write about I discovered one of the coolest toys that I never knew existed… a freaking talking Alf toy! Story Time Alf talks via cassette tapes much like the highly successful Teddy Ruxpin did. So yes, he’s just a rip off, but he’s about a million times more superior than Teddy Ruxpin. This is simply one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen.

I also ran across an add for a stuffed Alf:

I can’t imagine that these days that there’s any kind of straight on stuffed animal that could warrant an entire commercial dedicated to it. God damn, Alf was one popular alien.

When I was a kid I was totally obsessed with Alf. I don’t know how this thing flew under my radar. I remember collecting the Alf trading cards (the Bouillabaisseball cards were the coolest) and I also had an Alf electric toothbrush. The series is also related to a seminal point in my life… it was when I first realized that television shows could be canceled. When there wasn’t any more Alf episodes I couldn’t understand why. Sigh. I’ve been dealing with shows being canceled that I love ever since. Anyway I’m glad I never saw the last episode, since it ended on a huge downer with Alf getting taken by the military. That would have killed me!

Like everything awesome, the contest to win a San Diego Comic Con Cobra Commander is over. The judges are hard at work judging and I’ll make the announcement as to who the winner is as soon as bloody possible. As one of the judges I have to say that there was a lot of high quality submissions sent in, so many that it’s ridonkeylous how hard it will be to pick a winner. It would be a shame if only the secret cabal of judges and I were to see them though, so I’ll be posting a few of the runners up in addition to whoever is figuratively crowned with winner.

Oh yeah, and I’m not above bribery. I’ll accept anything from cash money to Hostess Fruit Pies to scantly clad pictures of your wives or girlfriends (preferably in superhero outfits).

I would like to go back to Aliens vs. Predator Requiem for a minute and give it more praise. Not only is it one of the greatest films of all time… well I guess that about covers it. If you got turned of by Aliens vs. Predators from that first craptacular flick, you really have to check this one out. The only thing it’s missing is a random boob shot that was really missing for some reason. I guess they don’t make them like they used to… sigh.

One toy line I hadn’t really thought about in a long time is the Robocop line. For a very short while in the early 90s Kenner had a line of 3 and 3/4ths (about) scale figures and vehicles based on a ridiculous Robocop cartoon for kids. Here’s the opening to the show. You can’t tell me that this isn’t all kinds of fucked up:

The show only lasted 13 episodes. I really don’t think you have to ask why.

Here’s a series of commercials for the toys from some foreign country. I’m not sure from where, because the kids have some crazy ass accents:

Here’s a commercial featuring real kids from AMERICA:

As you can see, Robocop the figure had a stupid cap firing mechanism in his back, but he was a better representation of the character than ever should have been made, considering his roots are an ultra violent film that’s certainly not for children. But being a child of the 80s, I loved me some Robocop and was grateful to have a figure of him any way I could get it. I didn’t give a crap about any of his buddies in the Ultra Police or the enemy figures they made up. I mean… just look at those fruits. Robocop was were it was at. He also had certain features that put him over the top from being great to truly awesome. Not only did he have a removable helmet* to revel the penis-like head of Peter Weller, but his gun plugged into the side of his leg, which is kind of like where it went in the film.

Out of the vehicles seen in the ads, I had the cop car. It was flipping awesome because it fit in so well with all my other toys back then. The styling fit with Captain Power’s vehicles and Batman always needed a crime fighting buddy.

The line produced two more figures that are near and dear to me before it went down the crapper. The first was a Robocop who was made purely for the toy line that came with a GUN ARM! It wasn’t any regular gun arm either, it was a MINI-GUN ARM! That Robocop was also fricken glow in the dark. You can’t get any more awesome or 90s than that if you tried. Finally, the line had ED-260, which was one of the coolest figures you could add to any 3 3/4ths scale army of toys. Talk about being able to mesh with any number of figures in your imagination. ED-260 served many roles as well as making Timmy Gill jealous of me, which was super sweet because he had all the Bravestarr figures I wanted, including the horse that he wouldn’t let me play with. Take that, jerkbag!

Bonus: Believe it or not, there was yet another Robocop cartoon later on. This one focuses more on Robocop being a badass Inspector Gadget with things like jetpacks and rollerblades, rather than the fact he’s cop who was brutally murdered:

This cartoon series had a line of toys associated with it, but since it wasn’t a part of my childhood… I really don’t give a crap about it.

*Of course, I lost the helmet and the gun. Why wouldn’t I?

Dear Hasbro,

How’s it going? Good? Awesome. Hey, I have something that I want to bring to your attention. Recently while not working I saw a thread on HissTank.com that exploded with complaints. I know, I know you are used to the angry internet masses that get upset for no reason, but in this case I really think it would be beneficial to you as a company if you listened to us just this one time.

Stop with the stickers on G.I. Joe vehicles already. We know that you are trying to make fantastic displays of the G.I. Joe vehicles in window boxes, but the people that are putting the stickers on are doing a horrible, horrible job. I think they may be blind or a developing case of Parkinson’s. This does not please either MIB or loose collectors. In fact it makes us furious. If we want the option to screw up our own stickers, please let us. I don’t like the idea that something was messed up this badly in order to make it look “better” in the package.

Personally, I’ve only purchased one vehicle pack and was pissed when I saw that both Serpentor’s Air Chariot and the Armadillo had stickers that were awkwardly placed. I had to pass up on the only Trouble Bubble set I’ve found so far because of a sticker that was so badly placed. The only solution to fixing these errors is by taking them off and going to a third party to get better stickers. This sucks. Please let the Chinese children that are putting the stickers on so poorly know that it’s time to stop and do something else like make Nikes.

Also, could you send me free toys? That would be super awesome.

xxoooxxxxooo

Paul

There are a few characters that may tip the balance from admiration to a purchase:

Rio Blast

Rio Blast is not only a cowboy in a sci-fi/fantasy world which is ultra cool in itself, but he’s also loaded with enough firepower to take down a city block. This guy has guns hidden everywhere, and I mean everywhere… wink wink. I can only imagine how hard a modernly sculpted Rio Blast would rock with all of his hidden weapons that could flip out to transform him into a killing machine (I wasn’t a big fan of the gigantic gun arm on the statue, I prefer the lower key approach.). Just make sure he comes with a removable hat. Every cowboys needs a hat like they need a sad, sad song.

Mosquitor:

This is a character that really would only work if he had his special action feature, which Mattel has pretty much stated they won’t be doing. It’s a shame if they don’t, because Mosquitor had one of the coolest action features around. He had a button on his back that made it look like blood was flowing through his clear chest piece! It was the only way to give He-Man malaria back in the day. Bring him back and Mosquitor can give him West Nile!

Roboto

Roboto deserves a spot in my wants because he’s an awesome robot that could come with interchangeable weapon hands. He also could be made with a clear chest that showed off all his robo-parts. You could either go with an updated look on this or what might be even better is a steam punk kind of a look inside him with all the old school gears and what not. I guess it would be too much to ask to see some of his parts moving, but I can dream can’t I?

Hordak

Who knew She-Ra’s arch-nemesis would be such a bad ass? I mean, here’s He-Man fighting Skeletor and snake men day in and day out like it’s some big deal and his female cousin and her ultra gay friends are fighting a dude that’s much, much more evil and powerful. That’s got to be pretty emasculating. Hordak has a really cool look that I think would translate very well into a more modern sculpt by the Four Horsemen.

She-Ra

She-Ra was meant to be a girl’s toy, but I’m going to bet that a lot more dudes like her now-days than girls. Hot damn, She-Ra is fine. A She-Ra figure is a must buy for me, no questions asked. And don’t make it some stupid Comic Con Exclusive. Enough people will want She-Ra to warrant putting her on MattyCollector.com straight up.

If you still want more He-Man related wishing, I’d recommend checking out Poe Ghostal’s want list. He just happened to come up with one this week as well. Sneaky devil.