Toy Bender

The following post is brought to you by fellow blogger and part time friend (he’s part time because he never invites me to any of his fancy society parties in San Francisco), Great White Snark. I wrote a post over on his site, so go over there to read it, but only after you finish his post here and eat your meat. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

Top Five Inspirations for the Next Generation of Madballs

You remember Madballs, right? For a while, they were the best excuse to play with high quality, foam rubber balls. That is, until Pamela Anderson got her first boob job.

Only Garbage Pail Kids did a better job riding the wave of popularity of freakish gross-out toys in the mid-1980s. The Madballs legacy left behind two series of toys, a (truly craptacular) Saturday morning cartoon, a comic book, and a multi-platform 8-bit video game.

(By “multi-platform” I mean the Commodore 64 and its competitor, the Amstrad CPC. And who didn’t want one of those back in the day? I used to be all, “No, I don’t want a stupid Nintendo, Mom. What, you want the other kids to make fun of me? I needs me an Amstrad CPC!” Totally.)

The two series of Madballs included a degenerate cast of characters. Take Slobulus, for example, as described on the Madballs Web site:

Here’s a brief rundown: Gross. Disgusting. Vile. Lacks 20/20 vision. What isn’t disgusting about Slobulus? Nothing–he’s a decapitated head. Duh.

Charming. With that as a guidepost, here are the top five inspirations for a third series of ‘Balls, along with suggested names and character bios. Please to be enjoying.

Lance Armstrong’s Left Testicle Ball: “Tumorous”
A decade of chaffing against a bicycle seat and several years of floating in a jar of preservative fluids on a doctor’s shelf have left Tumurous in a permanently-irritable state. They say music soothes the savage beast, but for this bastard you’ll need a radiation gun.

Sammy Davis Jr.’s EyeBall: “Glassy Googly”

Is he looking at you? Or isn’t he? You’ll never know, ’cause Googly is constantly in undulating motion. Go ahead and give him a hard time about it; his hide is as hard as… glass.

Roger Clemens’s Fastball: “Roidal”

Don’t be intimidated by Roidal’s unnaturally large muscles, bulging veins, and red-flushed countenance. Be intimidated by his predisposition to unprovoked violent rages. Which definitely have nothing to do with the influence of drugs. Definitely.

Britney Spears’s Speedball: “Chemicus”

Custody hearings got you down? Caught unawares by the paparazzi on No Panties Tuesday, yet again? Family trying to have you declared mentally unstable by the state? Chemicus has got you covered! He’s all the relief you need, in one hit, er, I mean… in one energized package!

Kanye West’s Ball Gag: “Ego Interruptus”

Everyone loves Ego Interruptus, even if he is just a figment of our imaginations. Because, really, nothing can actually shut Kanye West’s egomaniacal mouth. Not even a ball gag.

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