Holiday Shopping Tips from ToyBender
Tis the season for everyone with a parenting blog to write a list of shopping tips for idiots that don’t know how to buy gifts for children. I mean really, if you’re online reading about how to buy a gift you might want to consider not voting… ever.
Regardless, I don’t want to miss out on any of the searches for “safe holiday buying tips” or anything like that, so I came up with my own short list of toy buying tips for those desperate souls in need of guidance:
1. Buy things a kid wants. If a child wants Transformers and you buy them some learning bullcrap then they’ll only grow to resent you and hate you for the rest of your life. Do you see those emo and punk kids at hot topic? That’s what you risk creating with your learning toys.
2. Remember: Toys from China are perfectly safe AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT EATEN BY CHILDREN. If you have questions on whether or not a toy is safe, eat it yourself. It’s the only way to be sure.
3. Don’t be afraid to buy things online. Yes there are some risks involved with online shopping, but you can also die on your way to the mall, in the mall, or even on your way back. Be sure to tell your children this so they are prepared for the dangers of mall shopping.
4. Stop buying Cars toys. The cars talk. We get it already.
5. If you see a guy in his late twenties digging through every single Star Wars figure in a toy aisle and it’s obvious he’s shopping for himself, please do not point and laugh at him. Thank you.
I hope I’ve been able to provide some guidance for the those in desperate need of buying junk to give to people they barely tolerate this Holiday (mostly Christmas) season.
December 7th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Great tips!
6. Just telling your kid a toy is cool doesn’t mean that it is. You don’t want other kids at school beating him up for it, as he is whimpering somewhat intelligibly “but my MOM said it was cool”!
December 7th, 2007 at 11:32 am
7. Look at the characters’ names. If three versions of a character are similar colors and the fourth is a wildly different color scheme, do not buy that fourth one just because it’s brightest. You don’t know who Snake-Eyes is, but your kid does, and your kid knows Snake-Eyes isn’t supposed to be wearing green and orange.
December 7th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
8. Unattended carts are open game for rummaging by fellow shoppers.
December 8th, 2007 at 3:35 am
9. Start kicking yourself now for spending all that dough on Hannah Montana shit. Your kid is going to be onto the Next Big Thing in three short months.
December 10th, 2007 at 7:14 am
10.Do not buy the Star Wars Galactic Heroes. You may think it’s cheap and has famous characters so it’s great but your kid doesn’t. Because it’s small and have no articulation whatsoever.
December 12th, 2007 at 3:10 am
10a. Buy the Star Wars Galactic Heroes. You may think it’s small and has no articulation whatsoever, so it’s cheap, but your kid doesn’t. Because it’s great and has famous characters.
December 12th, 2007 at 6:23 am
Haha! That one was good…
December 12th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
working together, we will confuse every parent who finds this list. And when they collapse in a catatonic stupor in the toy aisle, their brains broken by our clever paradox, our victory will be complete!
At which point we will partake of Tip 8.
December 13th, 2007 at 1:16 am
Nice work fellows. Nice work.