Toy Bender

I’ve been eagerly anticipating the arrival of the Republic Commando pack like a prisoner awaiting a conjugal visit. After all, I had pre-ordered them way back in August. When I finally received notice that it was headed my way, I was elated. I too would have my very own internet exclusive seven pack of clone goodness like all the other lucky Star Wars toy collectors out there who ordered theirs.

As you may have inferred from the title of this post, it didn’t happen.

After several cloneless days, I finally checked Fedex’s online tracking to find that my package had supposedly arrived. In fact it said:

Jan 15, 2007 12:52 PM Delivered Left at front door. Signature Service not requested.

My temperature rose about thirty degrees, which caused steam to shoot out of my ears. This resulted in a whistling noise like a teapot would make. This would have been humorous in any other situation, but not in this one. Not only had the Republic Commando pack come earlier in the week when I had been home most of the day, but it had been left in front of my door and I never saw it. Perhaps this would have been fine if I lived next door to Andy Taylor in Mayberry. In that world we could eat a slice of Aunt Bee’s apple pie as we discussed the finer points of clone collecting, but I do not live in that world. I live in the real world in an unsecured apartment complex. In fact, I live in an apartment complex resembles something more out of Mad Max than any current definition of human civilization. The very idea that a delivery man could leave a package outside my door and even have the slightest thought that it wouldn’t be stolen is almost incompressible as quantum mechanics is to a primate.

So if it wasn’t at the front door, then what happened to my package? There can be only one answer, it’s obviously stolen. Not only do I have to live with the fact that I’m out over forty dollars, but I also must acknowledge that since I live on a third floor of an apartment complex that gets practically no outside foot traffic, that one of my Neanderthal neighbors stole my toys.

Not only do I hold the delivery man responsible, but it’s hard to believe that the retailer I ordered from (who shall not be named… yet) didn’t require some sort of signature confirmation when I paid over ten dollars for shipping. I realize that it must cost a lot to send precious clones across the country, but I think that sort of thing could have been included in the shipping and handling price.

I’m currently in the process of “filing a claim”, whatever that means. I’ve heard it’s possible that I may get my money back, but that doesn’t get me my Republic Commandos. The only shining light in this whole situation is that I think I’ve devised a plan of revenge on whoever stole my clones. I shall go to Taco John’s, consume lots of nasty taco meat (and lots of yummy potato oles) and then when the urge strikes me, poop in a box to leave as a “package” outside my door. Then again that might not be a good idea, because the “people�? that live here may think of it as a term of endearment.

Toys, toy collecting, Star Wars, Clone Trooper, action figure, Hasbro