Toy Bender

Part one of my top ten Battlestar Galactica wish list (click on the link to get to the other half of the list) had some figures that I might be able to live without. Part two contains what I think are the must haves if they ever released a product line like this. As before, we’ll go backwards to number one. Who could it be?! (Hint: It’s not Galactus. Battlestar Galactica has nothing to do with Galactus, otherwise known as the eater of worlds.)

Also, please note that I’ve been unable to watch most of the third season episodes, so please refrain from spoilers in your comments. I’ll have to slap you across the face with a trout if you don’t.

5. Apollo

This figure would fulfill the role of action orientated team leader. He’s Cyclops to Starbuck’s Wolverine sans the laser eyes and complicated family tree. Apollo had to be one of my favorite characters during the first season and I still like him a lot despite the fact that he lost a lot of points when he stole Billy’s woman away for no reason. I’ll put it up to stress since the guy had more promotions in three episodes than a junior officer on Darth Vader’s Super Star Destroyer during the battle of Hoth.* There’s no way you wouldn’t want an Apollo figure in your collection.

Versions: Flight suit version, Commander of the Pegasus version, and shirtless “Works out All the Time!� version for the ladies and gay fellows.

Accessories: Pilot helmet, machine gun, weights, and space condoms for when he’s breaking Billy’s heart!! (I’m still coming to terms with all of that.)

4. Cylon Brother Cavil

Out of all the human looking Cylons, my favorite is this Brother Cavil. I hope you don’t have to ask why, because then you are a heretic. Dean Stockwell is on the “Who is the Man List?� right after Edward James Olmos. He practically steals every scene he’s in, so he’d make a great figure to pester your Galactica heroes. The world cries out for a figure of this veteran actor! Another side bonus would be that you could customize him to be Al from Quantum Leap, Dr. Yueh from Dune, or his super creepy Blue Velvet character.

Versions: You really only need one Brother Cavil.

Accessories: A holy book without question. Possibly package him with Muffit from the 70s series so you get more sales on this figure. Okay, I want a Muffit figure, there I said it.

3. Cylon Centurion

This would be the end all, be all of my imagined Battlestar Galactica line’s army builders. I’d buy at least two dozen of these puppies. If they did make these, they’d be even cooler because you’d have to figure out a way to get their evil red eye to light up, maybe some sort of switch or perhaps light piping ala R2-D2 could do the trick? I’m not sure because I’m not a toy designer genius, but they’ve got at least a few of them stashed in the secured bunkers of Hasbro Castle.

Possible Versions: They don’t come in a lot of variety, so I imagine a “Quick Draw Attack!� and “Super Articulation!� to be the standards along with a dirty variant, battle damaged version, etc. You couldn’t make a Centurion figure without doing an old school version, either. I know they aren’t really in this version of the show, but there is a picture of one in the mini-series, so that’s enough in my book.

Accessories: There’s not much you can do with these chumps, since they’ve got built in weapons and they all look the same. They do use mortar rounds, so a mortar launcher is a given.

2. Colonel Tigh

I know you’re freaking out thinking, “Tigh? WTF?! You want Tigh more than Apollo or Starbuck?!!!111�

Relax. Stop typing in your thoughts.

Simply put, Tigh would make a great figure because you could have him butting heads with Apollo and Starbuck when they weren’t battling Cylons. He’s also one of the best characters on the series simply because he’s so self destructive and such a big frak up. Whenever he does something great it’s about five times more mind blowing than it normally would be. It’s like when the retarded kid wins the spelling bee. No one cares when the smartest kid wins, but if that retarded kid could pull it out, it’s an instant Jerry Bruckheimer film. Tigh’s defining moment came in the second season when he put his forehead right on his would-be assassin’s gun barrel and told the nut to go ahead and kill him. Sweet sassy molassy, those are some ten pound balls right there. Sign me up for this representation of manly manliness.

Possible Versions: Aside from regular edition, you could have his younger, even bigger loser self. Hell you could have a “first meeting� two pack with a younger Adama from the deleted scenes on season 2.

Accessories: Lots of small bottles of booze is a given. Armed with his favorite drinky drinks he’d fit in perfectly with a Star Wars cantina bar set. He should also be packaged with a shot gun for a little more ‘tude. Maybe he could go crazy and finally kill his wife and himself in some drunken rage. You never know what will happen with the magic of Tigh and a child’s fertile imagination!

1. Commander Adama:

Commander Adama wins this one horse race by rolling a hard six. Whatever the hell that means. Who wouldn’t want a miniature Edward James Olmos? During the episodes where he was in a coma, I had my doubts about the second season. It just wasn’t doing it for me. When Adama came back, the show got better by a dozen fold. That is the undeniable power of Edward James Olmos.

I’d want like at least eight figures of Adama. Think of all the fun you could have: Adama vs. Darth Vader, Adama vs. Cobra Commander, and even Adama vs. the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park. The possibility would be endless. I’d even glue one to my dashboard, so Edward James Olmos could safely guide me to my destinations around town as the Patron Saint of Battlestar Galactica and safe driving.

Possible Versions: We need the clean shaven Adama and one with his mustache. You never know when you’re going to have to bust out the power ‘stash on some bitches.

Accessories: This is Hasbro, so you know he’s going to come with a missile launcher with spring loaded missiles or something that’s completely out of character. That’s fine with me. What I really want is a miniature case with his Admiral pins in it so I could reward him for having to deal with all those dicks on Pegasus.

-That’s all for this time. Keep checking back for my want list of vehicles and playsets!-

*That is the geekiest and worst joke I have ever made. Still, it was better than any given joke on X-Play.

Battlestar Galactica, toy collecting, toys, action figures, top ten