Toy Bender

The upcoming Transformers live action robot fighting extravaganza has been on the geek radar for some time now, but a certain toy movie seems to have gotten no coverage in the pages of Toy Fare, on websites like Toy News International, or across the wide and varied geeky message boards of cyberspace.

I’m of course talking about the Bratz movie. Yes, the same Bratz dolls that teach young girls that it’s okay to be a rich slut. Much like the Transformers movie, the Bratz movie is live action. However unlike the Transformers movie, there’s been no ultra-geeks ripping the film apart for it not being enough like the toy or cartoon or whatever. I think this is a shame, therefore I’m leveling the nerd gun and firing away at the Bratz film.

1.) The story sucks.

Here’s Wikipedia’s plot summery:

As long as they can remember, Yasmin (Nathalia Ramos), Jade (Janel Parrish), Sasha (Logan Browning) and Cloe (Skyler Shaye) have been “BFF” - Best Friends Forever. Inseparable since they first met, the young girls have always supported each other’s individual personalities, talents and fabulous fashion styles. But now as the foursome enter Carry Nation High, Yasmin, Jade, Sasha and Cloe face a brand new world: a blackboard jungle, where for the first time they discover life as a teenager means dealing with a system of social “cliques,” all strictly enforced by senior Meredith Baxter Dimly. Finding themselves being pulled further and further apart, the girls band together and rise up as “the Bratz” to fight peer pressure, in turn learning how true empowerment means standing up for your friends, being true to oneself and living out one’s dreams and aspirations.

I think I just vomitted in my mouth a little. The main difficulty with bringing a toyline like Bratz to life on film is that there is no story. Sure you could argue that with Transformers, but you’d be dead wrong. The whole point of most succesful boys’ toy lines is a deep back story that gets kids involved in the characters. With Bratz and other fashion dolls the story line goes like this, “So like they’re a bunch of friends, that like to hang out, and like, think boys are cute.” At this point you could take any crappy teeny bopper flick and slap on a Bratz label and there you have it.

2) Their heads aren’t nearly messed up, nor are the Bratz in question slutty enough.

If I were going to make a Bratz movie it would star porn star Gauge, who has a strange Bratz like head and she’s an incredible skank.

How skanky is Gauge? Holy God, I’d be banned from the 1/3 of the internet devoted to non-porn if I described some of her best work on film. She’s a perfect example of a living Bratz doll!

3) There is a character named Jonas The Football Jock and another named Science Nerd. Need I say more?

4) None of the characters will die.

What makes a good children’s film based on a toy? One of the main characters dying. Why do you think that Transformers was the most successful of all the 80s toy films? Death!

toy, toy collecting, doll, Transformers, Bratz, film