Toy Bender

It’s ToyFare Time! Grab your copy and play along!

It’s the second issue after the big format change for ToyFare and I’m really into it now. In fact, the old format is almost a distant memory already. Funny how heavy drinking can effect your memory like that. What was I writing about again?

Cover: Is it me or does Spiderman look like he’s prancing? I also like the idea of multiple covers, but “collector’s issue” and “get both covers?” Nice try boys. I already lived through the 90s, I don’t need to ever get cover crazy again.

Page 4: “I think you’re just a touchy A-hole,” is the line that really saves this one for me.

Page 6: I’ve been meaning to touch on the subject brought up by Brett Davis’s letter before, so there’s no opportunity like the present. The one thing I’ve always wanted from ToyFare was a little more of a critical view on toys. I’m not asking for reviews, as Zach’s reply is the reason I don’t want to see toy reviews in ToyFare. Personally, I rarely read other people’s reviews of toys. Toy reviewers usually come off sounding like hyper-critcal geeks when they are disappointed in a toy (unlike my super awesome toy reviews). I do believe, however, that when a toy sucks, or if many fans are unhappy with a line, there should be some mention of it. For example, a lot of people are unhappy with the Hasbro Marvel Legends figures. Why not do a short interview with the people from Hasbro answering fan’s complaints? Game magazines like EGM do it all the time with videogame developers. The only times (correct me if I’m wrong) that ToyFare does knock a toy is when it’s from a really old line that’s been dead and buried for years.

To be fair though, ToyFare most likely has a lot of connections that might make it harder to produce such a fine magazine if they started stepping on toes. I don’t know. As someone who has virtually no connections, I’m going to tell you if a toy sucks or if I think it’s really stupid. But as soon as those big fat checks from toy companies start rolling in, all bets are off! Cha-Ching!

Page 8: A Homemade Hero of a lame WildC.A.T.s character? No thanks.

Was Zach forced to shave his glorious god-like muttonchops for this picture? There needs to be some sort of muttonchop update so we know what’s going on at all times with them. I feel like I’m adrift at sea here not knowing what the muttonchop status is at every moment of my day.

Page 9 (ad): Holy crap that Sith Infiltrator is way out of scale. I thought the Millennium Falcon was small compared to the figure size, but this Infiltrator takes the grossly inappropriately sized Star Wars vehicles cake in the cake-a-walken contest.

Pages 10-11: We asked for it, and by we I mean me, and they delivered! More how to make custom figures! While I most likely won’t ever do this myself, for some strange reason I’m fascinated by how this stuff works.

Page 14: I still like the calender. This Balls of Justice movie reiterates the fact that Christopher Walken will appear in anything.

Pages 18 - 19: Neat Spiderman stuff. Why the hell does the new Goblin look just like Kamakura from G.I. Joe Sigma Six? Why is he even called the Goblin if he’s going to look like some crazy toy ninja? And why is he all Mountain Dew extreme unleashed snowboarder?

Page 19 (ad): Holy Jumping Jebus, the A&W Root Bear is the only time I’ve ever looked at a bobble head and thought it was interesting.

Page 22: Wait a minute… how can their be a Jack Sparrow toy for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie when he died in the last film!?

Page 23: I cannot express how cool that Indiana Jones statue is. The Godfather head on the other hand? That’s going to give me nightmares. Fatty decapitated head nightmares.

Page 24: Oh yeah! Here’s the good stuff, Star Wars figures. Even though I’ll probably never see them in stores, I can still admire the pretty pictures.

Page 28: I don’t know what the hell The Golden Compass is, but I likes me some playset action and armored Polar Bears. You really can’t go wrong here, can you?

Page 30: Haha, “Bowie knows best!” I’m also digging this breakdown of Zach’s day at Toy Fair. I can live vicariously through someone who has my dream job. Here’s a breakdown of my day for comparison:

8:00 a.m.: Check email. Hope I don’t get any pointing out what I did wrong the day before.
8:15 a.m.: Stare at spreadsheets, use copy/paste a lot.
11:00 a.m.: Can’t figure out new program, pretend to work by staring at spreadsheets.
12:00 a.m.: Lunch. Manwhich again. Yay!
12:30 p.m.: Answer emails, screw with program I don’t understand, send out spreadsheets.
1:00 p.m.: Get talked down to by client rep, even though I did exactly as I was told to do.
4:30 p.m. : Leave work a dissatisfied and broken man.

I left out all the times I mess around on the internet, but I’m sure you get the point.

Page 32: Far be it for me to criticize a famous comic book artist’s taste in movies, but if Flash Gordan is Alex Ross’s favorite film, then Alex Ross’s film tastes suck balls. I’m just kidding Alex Ross, please don’t paint a picture of a very stiff looking, yet photorealistic Batman breaking my neck.

Page 35: Please direct your attention to the two Walter figures from Big Lebowski. Which one do you think more accurately reflects the glory that is John Goodman? You are correct if you said, “The really fat one.”

Office Space figures? Yeah, you did read about them here first. Booh-ya! …That is, unless you read about them someplace else first.

Page 38: For a toy line called DC Superheroes, it sure as hell is Superman-centric. Where the hell are the Powergirl and Hawkgirl figures? Can my man Dr. Fate get a little loving? Or how about Dial H. For Hero kids? Okay, I’m willing to give a little on that last one.

As further proof that the whole zombie thing has gotten out of hand, there’s these Marvel Zombies figures. The Captain America zombie is grossly inappropriate now.

Page 42: Must resist urge to vomit… Whew, that was a close one. Those anime inspired DC women are sickening. Get your god awful, freaky, anime heads away from my beloved Supergirl and Powergirl, Japan!

Page 43: Legendary Heroes gets Pitt and Indie Spotlight gets Maxx? Talk about your dueling banjos of 90s crap.

Page 44: It’s nice to see Star Trek getting a little toy loving. Everything on this page is teh awesome, including that joke on the ‘Amok Time’ diorama.

Page 45: Sigh, these weren’t the Battlestar Galactica figures I was looking for. With these figures Diamond Select has taken the unposable, stiff looking figure category to eleven.

Oh! Speaking of which, here’s the fantastic new Lost toys. Boy, I’ve been waiting for Asian Woman With Blanket like FOREVER NOW. Angry Looking Black Dude has been on my radar too, and who could possibly resist Smug Looking Guy in Hanes T-shirt?

Page 47: Attention straight men: You better start questioning your sexuality if you want the Triple H or Shawn Michaels figures.

Attention Gay Men: You better start questioning your taste if you want the Triple H or Shawn Michaels figures.

Page 54: Magical Tripping Monkeys on Christmas, those are some sweet Robotech Alpha fighters.

Page 55: The doll with the cracked up face is poop inducing scary.

Page 56-57: This two page Spiderman costume spread is spectacular.

Page 58: There needs to be a Captain Universe Spiderman. Just look at how friggen cool good old Spidy is in those cosmic threads. This was one comic story arc that blew my mind when I was a kid, please someone make this figure!

Page 59: How in the hell does Spiderman 2211 get better odds than Captain Universe Spiderman? Talk about cosmic injustice. 2211 looks like he just stepped out of a film featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Pages 62-69: Nice job on the Harry Potter updates. I’m not a huge Potter fan myself, because I don’t much care for the books or as my preacher more aptly calls them, “Satan’s tools to shackle our children to eternal suffering in servitude to Satan.” But you guys enjoy the fiery, unending torment of Hell all you want. I’m really not here to judge you.

Pages 68-70: Battle Beasts! I was planning on writing a post about Battle Beasts someday, so I’m going to keep my personal gushing for the Beasts to myself for right now. This is the perfect kind of feature with just the right amount of history, cool facts, and plenty of yuck yucks. Good job ToyFare!

Page 71 (ad for next issue): The, “Is Your Neighbor a Cylon” thing is hilarious. Also in next issue, C.O.P.S.! My head is going to explode from the cool.

Pages 72 through 82: This Twisted ToyFare Theatre is fantastic. It’s the best one in about three or four issues. Why? Because of Kang fools! Kang has the corner on time traveling comic book badasses with purple heads. I’m also digging on the appearance by a Guardian of the Galaxy, another one of my favorite bad comics.

Pages 84 through 85: Why, why must I be taunted with Star Wars figures that I cannot find? And here’s a fun fact: I guess I’m so colorblind that I thought the Galactic Marine was black.

Page 96: The look on the faces of Zach and the Rubik’s Cube lady is priceless. I wonder how many times she had to pose for that same joke? You can also tell that PiTTi Hecht guy is 100% German by the disturbing qualities of his shirt and hair.

Back Cover: That is the coolest Batman collectible ever.

It looks like I’ve squeezed out every last drop that I could out of this month’s issue of ToyFare, or have I? Share you’re opinions with me! Do it for the children!

toys, toy collecting, magazine, ToyFare