Toy Bender

I’d like to introduce a guest post today by a fellow who travels the internet wastes answering to the name of Esbat. Who’s Esbat you ask? He’s a maniac that runs Fugitives From Reality. He’s also the guy that said, “Hey, if you’re too lazy to write about ToyFare magazine, I’ll do it.”

Ah ha, at last I now have wrested control of this house of ill-bloggery from the hands of secret arch-foe, Paul. Yes, oh Tenric, your time has come.

*ahem*

Well Paul has asked I, Esbat, fellow reader and commenter on this site with the bending of toys to do a guest review of the current issue of Toyfare #139: The Year of G.I. Joe. This means that I must actually talk about G.I. Joe to which in my entire life have only owned 4 Joes and I believe a Snowcat vehicle. I currently only own a Medi-Viper who lays jumbled in with my box o’ Star Wars troopers.

So lets get on with this nickel dog and pony show, shall we?

COVER: Well as you can see we have the Cover with a smokin’ hot movie Baroness emblazoned upon it. I’d like to take her down to the motorpool and crank her engine.

Pg 1 and 2: ADS! And boy I want that Anti-Venom Marvel Select figure, its like Diamond is showing Hasbro how to do articulation right these days. I still swear that Star Trek Electronic Tribble is just a loofah combined with a whoopie cushion. Just sayin’.

Inside THE MONKEYHOUSE: The bit with the Neon Viper Cobra guy - whom Paul I believe is infatuated with - has a good gag. Good times. Grape Soda, thats f***in’ hilarious. Really! I loves me some Monkeyhouse. Yet I’m not sure how many people actually read it.

Pg 5 and 7: AD! They damn near left me in suspense back in issue 137 with a giant mystery ad about “Marbs” which I assumed that to coincide with our economic woes Hasbro was banking on the return of such Depression Era games such as Kick the Can or Marbles. And thus I was wrong turns out they are collectible, ineffective paperweights of Star Wars characters and Vehicles. Seriously, wtf.

FANFARE: Oh boy, letters! Man do I love letters.

- But honestly, What’s the deal with wrestling figures?!?! I keep reading letters asking about info if some obscure wrestling persona of some decrepit stunt man will ever be made into a Bend ‘Ems figure. They act like they collect Star Wars or something.

- Also there is a feminist fanchick writing in complaining that her underrepresented minority is not represented by the term “Fanboy”. She wants the term “Fangeek” to be used. Screw that noise, we have fanboys and fangirls and eventually once the mole people surface to conquer the terrible surface world we’ll have fanbinos. Get over it and use this time to say goodbye to our wretched Sun before our Molverlords blot it out with their doomsday machine.

QUICK HITS: Not only was I quoted in it… my quote was CENSORED. F***!

THE HOT PLATE: I couldn’t get into the comics Incredible Hercules, I think it was the fact he’s musclebound, has a beard, and has so much sex that I just can’t relate to him. Ooh and they even pimped the awesome blog Cake Wrecks. Good times.

CALENDAR: Oh February with your valentines day and my birthday only 10 days after that. Volume 14 of Mystery Science Theater 3000, or MST3K to the rest of the internet, debuts on the third. And the ever-delayed Fanboys movie premieres the same day as New York Comic-Con, or NYCC for you OCD acronymphiles, Feb 6th. Oh and Streetfighter 4 comes out for you rich bastards with your PS3 and Xbox 360s. I hate you.

INCOMING: Yeah boy, my 2nd favorite part of the magazine… stuff I have to wait for months to find only to learn some greasy scalper woke up 6 hours before the rest of my timezone to get. You know who you are.

- Marvel Statues: They are all gorgeous or cool and all cost between 7 to 20 peg warming Transformer Universe Classics Galvatrons. Man that Nova Prime statue is awesome.

- Transformers Universe: Waspinator! Dionbot! I’m in Beast Wars heaven! And lots of Robot Heroes I don’t give a flip about. Yeah thats right I’m talking to you Prowl and Laserbeak 2 pack.

- WORLD PREMIERE: PRAISE THE NETHER-DWELLERS! “The Incredible Wonder Woman” DC Direct Deluxe 13 Inch Silver Age Wonder Woman figure. I’ve studied the pictures so very meticulously that Diana is definitely sporting the Power Girl base body. There is no mistaking the ample cleavage. Sadly she’ll be sporting the same terrible flesh toned nylon hose PG did. A pity.

- Marvel Maquettes: The Back-In-Black Spidey is your standard issue black costume spidey, but HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE! The Black Queen Jean Grey maquette has got all her Adam Hughes rendered curves on display. Lets just say you can use her as a money clip. Hotcha!

- DC Infinte Heroes: They have a Blue Batman, your standard looking Wonder Woman, 1985 Supergirl looks nothing like Helen Slater, Mary Marvel helps flesh out the Marvel Family, the infinite crisis OMAC looks awesome, Regeneration Suit Superman uses the same crappy Superman mold as the crappy DCIH Superman but this time he’s in a badass black and silver costume, and then we have Sinestro sporting a disco collar for some reason.

- JLU: We got the debut of Amanda Waller, General Eiling, and WW2 badass Blackhawk. Whoa Waller is gonna need like 2 displays stand… ZING!

- McHALO: More spartan color variations and more variety of weapons, I spy a Rocket Launcher, and a translucent Active Came Brute Stalker. Oh and a spiffy Silver Elite Assault. Definitely going to buy that one.

- Gear of War: Ooh Series 3 promises COG Soldiers and Series 4 a TICKER. It looks SICK!

- NECA Movie Figures: We got a Friday the 13th remake 19 inch Jason Voorhees with swappable heads, a 7 inch Twilight Edward figure, and 3 loveable bendy 7 inch Coraline figures. He’s so dreamy… JASON, JASON IS DREAMY! Yes, thats the ticket. *sigh*

- TONNER: Tonner Dolls brings me - US a set of Bella and Edward Twilight dolls, a hot to trot new Lara Croft, and a Hal Jordan with a goofy lookin’ mask. Dammit, why can’t they do Batman’s Cowl or Hal’s mask right? Its not that hard to mold a bit of plastic. Tonner I can google some instructions for you… honest!

PG 27: ADS! DC universe Classics Kalibak BAF wave. Man I really do not care about these BAFs they’re putting out but the actual figures are just gorgeous. KILLER F***in’ MOTH! Sweet ass sweet!

- DC Statues/ AME-COMI: Get a load of that Catwoman vs Batgirl statue. Man does Selina make purple look goooooood. And I have to agree these Anime Inspired Black Canary and Huntress costumes sport MORE clothing than their actual comic counterparts.

- My Name Is Bruce: Yes, my very own super articulated, 12 inch Bruce Campbell as Bruce Campbell action figure. Now for a Lewis Black action figure and I’ll never go lonely again!

- Watchmen: Ooh variant DC Direct figures of unmasked Comedian and Rorschach, and a translucent Dr. Manhattan. Can’t wait to be pissed off when I look to eBay to find them!

BOOTLEGGERS BALL: That is one goofy ass Darth Vader knock-off. Sadly I’ve seen worse.

- Futurama: Cloberella and Amy complete with parts to Robot Santa. Somebody somewhere on the internet is now happy.

*skips a few pages past Justice League International Dc Direct figures, a Wolfman figure, busty otaku-masturbation statues, Ark of the Covenant exclusive Sideshow Collectibles Toht figure, a quick interview with Seth Green and Hugh Sterbakov, AvP: Requiem Statues, and Gentle Giant horror and stat wars statues*

Whew that was a lot of paper cuts.

Reviving Horror: a cool 2 page article on upcoming remakes of Friday the 13th, The Wolfman, and The Last House On the Left; along with coverage of past remakes of other horror movies some good (Dawn of the Dead), and some sucktacular (The Wicker Man). How can you not see the title to The Wicker Man and not think of 1989’s Batman movie… “King of the Wicker People”! Haha, Knox you deserve a grant.

Now for all the GI Joe goodness, which I better cover because Paul will have a heart attack if he doesn’t hear about the arm and leg molds they’re going to use.

DESIGNING JOE: Seriously, Baroness is like several fetishes wrapped in a tight little package I like to call Sienna Miller. The big interview was just a lot of assuaging fanbino fears about the Accelerator Suits (to which there is going to be a cool chase involving them), the molded mouth on Snake Eyes’ mask, spoilers about Duke and Ripcord, and how Hasbro kept wanting to shoe in ideas to crank out toys that have nothing to do with the actual plot of the movie. Oh and its actual guns with bullets not “pulse lasers”. Also it was revealed a lot of design stuff was done on the fly, due to rewrites.

WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRACTION: Now on to the toys!

They are going to release Movie Joe figures about a month before the movie launches, before then we’re getting several months worth of 25th anniversary figures with Resolute figures mixed into those cases. Movie Combat heroes will be included with the general assortment of Combat Heroes before taking over the line before the DVD of the GI Joe movie comes about. And is it just me or does the “Convoy Attack” movie Duke look like Simon Pegg? I got all excited that Shaun from Shaun of the Dead was getting a Joe but no, alas IMDB knocked the wind out of my sails. One can only dream of Nick Frost as Shipwreck. *sigh*

Absolute Resolute: No planned venue for the one 10 minute and ten 5-minute episodes, me thinks figure pack-in DVDs.

SECRET ORIGINS: A preview of the Larry Hama prequel comic, I dig the artwork and its Larry Fricken’ Hama, so naturally I want to pick this series up.

Just because I don’t care about the toys doesn’t mean I didn’t like the cartoon.

WE WANT ACTION: This is a special article covering the very best in toys with action features and I gotta say they cover A LOT of ground. There really is no summing this up except for… WTF is an Infaceable and where was I when those came around? Prolly nosing about with my Go-Bots.

Oh and Air Raiders kick Starcom’s ass.

Twisted Toyfare Theater: “The Wall Street Warriors” Part 1 of 2 - While initially turned off by the idea of a Wall Street/Warriors parody, this comic has grown on me. Its got some good gags and if you’re a big 80’s kid at heart, you’ll enjoy a lot of the sight gags and jokes. I give big props to the Toyfare crew for mixing it up in the TTT department.

Pg 69: (heh) AD! Toyfare 140 Preview - it’ll have experts rating Video Game toys, along with old school Ninja Turtle character coverage, how DC universe Classics figures are selected for waves. Another solid issue me thinks!

TOP 10: I can honestly say once again I own a few of the Top 10 Hottest toys… the Movie Masters Batpod and Concept Iron Man Captain America. Awesome.

BIG SHOTS: Love the first one… good use of a Holiday Vader!

AND FOR THE BACKPAGE FAUX AD: Satuday Night Cleaver… Leatherface in a sundress. Consider my dreams - haunted.

Big Props to Toyfare for another solid issue, the ballsy new TTT, and for showing enough cleavage to make my time in the Tungsten Mines go that much more quicker. HAIL THE MOLVERLORD MASTERS!

This is Esbat saying, keep on keepin’ on Paul. And viva la resistance!