Toy Bender

This month’s ToyFare features the animated style Han Solo statue on the front. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it makes no sense to me to make an animated style statue from an animated series that doesn’t exist at all, so stop taunting me with all these statues already. I get it, Han Solo would look awesome in a cartoon, but there isn’t one. What a metaphorical cock tease. (Not your fault ToyFare, it’s society’s)

Ad Opposite Page 2: This is a really nice ad for undoubtedly the worst of the Transformers live action film ‘bots toy representations. The thing looks like a cheap piece of plastic. Now the retro paint version of poor Jazz here looks a million times better.

Page 4 - Inside the Monkey House: Something about the screaming Zach Oat head pasted on an action figure’s body which is holding a Pokeball strikes me as hilarious.

Ad Opposite Page 5: Yes, I can’t stop gushing in these things about how great Hasbro’s advertising is (aside from my rant about Jazz) and here’s more proof. This retro ad is freaking awesome, just like the figures. However, my only problem with it is that Roadblock teaches the kid the value of G.I. Joe’s 25th Anniversary line, but doesn’t address the problem of the kid’s house burning down. His knowledge of the toyline will really come in handing when his face is melting.

Page 6 - Letters:

-Okay…. so ToyFare makes a slight boo-boo about not giving credit to a sculptor of a statue and some guy gets his panties in a bundle and threatens to never buy the issue again? Seriously? What a moron. Why not just point the error out and let ToyFare apologize? It’s like they killed this guy’s puppy or something (an act that I’m pretty sure the ToyFare staff is 100% against).

-Dear People who hate the Spider-Man 3 movie Venom figures that are purple: don’t buy him and move on with your lives. I’m pretty sure there will be dozens more Venom figures made in the future that will be acceptable to you and several that have been made in the past.

-I don’t understand the desire for a statue depicting the death of Superman. It was a horribly written and ill conceived story for its time and really, he came back like a week later.

Page 7 - Letters:

-The text in that Mr. Rodgers speech bubble is going to send whoever wrote it to Hell, but damn it all if it wasn’t funny. I’m awarding it the Speech Bubble Based Joke of the Issue.

Ad Opposite Page 10: Awesome, another G.I. Joe ad in the style of the infamous P.S.A.s. I feel like a moron reading basically the same pitch that was in the previous ad.

Page 14 - Wish/List: Uhh… that Dave Chappelle as Rick James figure looks more f*cked up than the real Rick James. I’m sorry to say, but I stopped thinking the Rick James thing was funny about two and a half years ago. Now that blind, black KKK leader? Still hilarious.

Page 17: Holy crap on a cracker, that build-a-figure Nemesis looks flipping sweet. It’s one of the few build-a-figures recently that had me thinking I might have to somehow get my hands on it, because I’m a huge fan of the Age of Apocalypse storyline.

Page 18: These DC Universe figures look boss. Why is Firestorm a black guy? Oh wait, this is DC we’re talking about. He’s probably like the twentieth version of Firestorm since the original.

Ad Opposite Page 22: I’m going to thank God that I have no idea what Drizzt Doo’Urden is, much less care that it’s the 20th anniversary of whatever that is.

Page 24: As much as I’m a fan of the DC Stars dolls, I really wonder who is buying these things. I’d enjoying having a Supergirl since I’m in love with the thing, but are there dudes out there with a big glass display case full of these things? And if so, how do you maintain your tenuous grip on your manhood?

Also, I hope the staff at ToyFare realize that they’ve just made a lot of creepy guys with a vinyl/latex fetish run to their computers and take care of themselves with that Black Cat comment.

Page 26: Jeez, just when I think Witchblade can’t get any more closer to being nude, they manage to surprise me yet again. You know she’s just going to end up with just a crotch strip, two dots of metal to cover her nipples, and a slightly longish metal claw on the end of her index finger one of these days. And while I’m on this subject, I think I would have really enjoyed watching the TV show if Witchblade would have looked anything at all like this statue.

Page 32: Wow, that Mary Jane Tonner doll is surprisingly accurate in it’s just as ugly as Kirsten Dunst. Although her man hands are distinctly lacking, I can almost see her snaggletooth from here.

Pages 46 and 47 - Contest of Champions: The first ever Marvel Legends Fans’ Choice poll has some pretty rocking figures. I prefer the big bodied Magneto so I think a figure of him that just happens to be a little skinner doesn’t make any sense. I’d like to make a case for Age of Apocalypse Sunfire, if I may: First, Sunfire looks wicked cool. Second, Age of Apocalypse anything rules. Okay, now let’s move on. I also like the X-Men outfit Gambit. The choices of Northstar and Aurora are pretty cool too, but you’d pretty much have to make both of them since they are twins and use their powers together.

Pages 48 through 50: I hate, let me stress hate, these anime style DC figures. I think it’s because I hate 90% of all anime and that I’ve never liked the exaggerated style. The one exception to this is the Wonder Woman figure who somehow manages to look pretty decent in the midst of all the big eyed, round headed freaks.

Pages 52 through 65 - Unstoppable Force: This is a great catch up on all things Star Wars that is coming down the pipe, nicely fitting in toys with non-toy properties.

I’m officially going on record here as absolutely despising the concept behind Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. Seriously, Darth Vader’s secret apprentice has unbelievable powers? I can’t accept a Star Wars story where one guy can bring down a Star Destroyer by simply using the Force. It negates almost everything good about the original trilogy and shoves Star Wars into the realm of Mountain Dew swilling exxxxxtreme to the maxxxxx B.S. The title even uses the “new” hardcore word ‘unleashed’! This is why I can’t stand the Star Wars expanded universe. Sure I’ll play the game and probably like it, but there’s no way this can even co-exist with the films.

Now, that we got that rant out of the way. The figures from Star Wars: The Force Unleased Off The Hook are freaking awesome. It’s the one saving grace of the property.

These Mighty Muggs are cute and it’s nice to see that Hasbro is trying to cash in on the vinyl figure craze, because lord knows they don’t have enough money already.

It’s also nice to see better pictures of the McQuarrie Concept Snowtrooper figure here, because I’ll never see it on a retail shelf. Thanks Hasbro!

Pages 72 through 79 - Halo, Goodbye: This is a nice little piece mashing together a bunch of Halo goodness. I’ve fought myself for the last year not to get excited, but with the launch of the game only being a few days away I’m absolutely tweaking here.

Pages 80 through 82 - Going, Going, Gobots: Here’s a great feature on Gobots with enough interesting facts about the toy line without being boring and the right amount of jokes. For the record, I still think Gobots suck, but this article gave me a much better understanding of the line and why it sucks. Kudos, and for old times sake I’m bringing back this YouTube video:

Pages 84 through 92 - Twisted ToyFare Theatre: This issue’s TTT neither struck me as unfunny or pants wettingly funny. It rode that line of just funny enough and that’s okay in my book.

Page 104: I love, LOVE the R2-D2 and C-3PO bottles. Love!

Ad Opposite Page 104: Again with the awesome Hasbro ads.

Overall a solid issue of ToyFare. Everyone else, what do you think?

Other This Month In ToyFares:
This Month in ToyFare: Issue 122, October 2007
This Month in Toyfare: March 2007

toy, toy collecting, toy collectors, hobby, ToyFare, magazine