Toy Bender

That’s right kids, This Month in ToyFare is back! After a delay of caused by a lack of funds and website downtime, the original look at the world’s greatest toy (and pop culture) magazine continues with a look at issue 133. Let’s do this!

Cover: It’s hard to take the Skrulls as serious badasses when they look this lame. I mean, check out that clown collar!

Page 4 - Inside the Monkey House: I love, and I mean it, love how they reintroduced Justin Aclin back into the magazine and explained that Zach is now gone. It works so well for the magazine as opposed to some sappy send off or reintroduction. Kudos!

Page 8 - Leters: Hah! Look, Funskool Joes! That has to be the best shape I’ve ever seen a FunSkool Joe in the package. Anyway, I miss the digital explosions. I say bring them back.

Page 12 - The Hot Plate: Hell yes, while Indiana Jones IV wasn’t a hit with everyone, it did create enough interest to get the toy line going again and that’s all I could have ever asked for.

Pages 16 and 17 - Ad: Tonner knows how to make one hell of a doll. Sweet Jebus look at them plastic cans.

Page 21 - Incoming: I own zero JLU figures (though my wife has 3 so by law I owe some), but that Silver Banshee looks good enough to be my first.

Page 25 - Incoming: For a minute there I was really pissed that Dr. Manhattan wasn’t going to have a face in the Watchmen movie. On another note, I’m glad I don’t have to look at his wiener.

Page 30 - Incoming: Woah, woah, woah. I did not just read that. Pabst Blue Ribbon getting a dis? I’ll have you know that while it is a cheap beer, it is a very good beer. It wouldn’t have won an award in 1890 something if it sucked!

Anyway, Indiana Jones! Yeah! I think I need every figure on this page.

Page 35 - Incoming: DC Infinite Heroes… well, I’m really excited about these, but what’s with the huge open hands on the male figures? I had hopes that these guys would be tweaked a bit, yet they aren’t looking like they are going to have normal hands any time soon. I’m really digging the Raven though. Here’s to hoping the line lasts long enough to improve and put out a Dr. Fate. I love me some yellow helmet action. Please do not read anything sexual into that.

Page 39 - Incoming: Nipple Alert!

Page 40 - Incoming: Somehow I do believe that Del Toro’s house is populated by his bizarre creature designs.

Page 43 - Incoming: Can we be done with zombies? Please?

Also, I really enjoy Bootlegger’s Ball. Please keep doing these.

Page 46 - Incoming: Why on Earth do adult collectors collect Cars toys? I just cannot understand this at all.

Page 51 - ToyFare Hall of Fame Awards: This is a really good idea, although I can’t help but thinking that there should be more awards going to people involved in the toy world from more than just the last few years. Just note, you might not want to give one out to the lawn darts guy. That’s just bad PR.

Pages 52 and 53 - Rock the Vote: Wow, almost none of these choices are duds for the Mattel fan choice poll. In fact, they should probably release all these figures in one wave. Anyway, I like Ragman. I think a fan’s choice poll is the best place to pick a character that you probably won’t see otherwise. You know they’re going to make a Question and Huntress someday, why not pick someone more obscure?

Pages 54 through 63 - We Come in Peace, The Fifty Greatest Alien Invasions of All Time: This is a pretty good list in that I’m sure that it will get nerds arguing about placement, because of all the surprises found here. Here are my notes:

49. The Phantoms: These were terrible in the Final Fantasy movie, mainly because there was nothing you could do to combat them. They were ghosts that couldn’t be injured or destroyed. It made the struggles of the main characters seem utterly pointless and trivial.

37. The Newcomers: Great pick!

33. Space Vampires: I think the most important part of Lifeforce was forgotten, all the nudity of the hot female lead.

17. The Xillains: Holy crap,l I have to make love to this issue. Godzilla: Final Wars is one of the best Godzilla movies of all time. It’s so hilariously bad that I gleefully bathe in it’s awfulness.

16. Dire Wraiths: Rom villains! Yet another reason that intercourse with this issue isn’t a bad idea.

9. The Martians: I would have picked the actual Mars Attacks Martians over the ones from that horrible movie.

1. The Pod People: This makes sense, but I can’t help thinking it’s odd that the choice was the 1978 version… I guess it did have a lot more mustaches per minute of screen time than the original.

Pages 64 through 67 - Caught in the Crossover: The thing that Wolverine/Batman says wins this month’s, “Speech Bubble Based Joke of the Issue”! Congrats unnamed ToyFare staffer!

Pages 72 through 74 - Weekend Warriors: Holy balls, I loved these Wheeled Warrior things when I was a kid. I believe I was the biggest fan of this toy line in Wisconsin back then. That is, after Eric “Jayce” Hason disappeared… quite mysteriously.

Pages 76 through 82 - Twisted ToyFare Theatre: I think epic would be the word that best described this month’s TTT. As a huge fan of 80s over the top action flicks, mostly the kind staring Arnold Schwarzenegger, I really dug this. I love that Dolph Lundgren goes around in his He-Man outfit.

Pages 84 and 85 - Top Ten Hottest Figures: Wow, Vipers are worth 14 bucks? I should have bought ten of them when I last saw them. I’m also surprised that Indy and the horse are worth 16. I’d of figured that the Ark set would have been the one here.

Well, that about wraps up everything I have to say about this latest issue of ToyFare. I hope it was everything you’d dreamt it would be and more. If you’d like me to keep doing these, be sure to let me know in the comments!