Toy Ads That Time Forgot: Crystar The Crystal Warrior
Here’s a quick question: Did Remco make any toys worth a damn? No really, I’d like to know, because they haven’t had an impressive score so far in Toy Ads that Time forgot.
This week we will focus on Remco’s completely forgotten He-Man rip-off, Crystar. Like the lines before him, namely The Power Lords and Sectaurs, Crystar lay slain on the field of battle for the hearts and minds of legions of children. He could only watch on while gathering dust in clearance aisles as the victorious He-Man was hoisted up on the tiny shoulders of children and carried away into toy Valhalla, otherwise known as, Collective 80s Nostalgia.
This ad clearly shows that the entire line of Cyrstar sucks. To prove the point there’s a nice K-Mart label at the end like a stamp of suckiproval.
It’s amazing how each of these figures is extremely unappealing and none of them have any redeeming qualities. They’re either really ugly or a little less ugly. At least the He-Man line had enough sense to squeeze in some hot ladies and normal looking (yet freakishly muscled) buff dudes amongst all the freaks like Moss Man. For instance, the choices for Crystar consist of figures like Moltar the living turd:
Or how about Feldspar, the crystal melon-headed shirtless dwarf?
By far the best figure available is Crystar:
If there is one thing kids like, it’s a hero they can easily identify with like Crystar, who is a living being made of crystal that comes from the planet Crystalium and lives in the Crystal Palace. God, I wish I was making this up.
The whole gimmick with Crystar was that most of the figures were clear. It’s not a real solid foundation to base an entire line off of, but toy makers were willing to throw money just about anywhere to try to cash in on the success Mattel was having with He-Man. It didn’t work. The line only saw the seven figures in the ad, a couple of vehicles, a semi-neat looking dragon, and yes… even a playset, before Cyrstar was forgotten. Not even appearances by Dr. Strange or Nightcrawler could save the comic tie-in, which went to the land of comic shop quarter bins in the sky.
Rest in peace Crystar, you magnificent crystal bastard.
toy, toy collecting, action figure, commercial, advertisement, He-Man, crystar
June 12th, 2007 at 9:16 am
To me, though, these fall into the category of So Bad It’s Good. Feldspar rocks!!!
I’m going to have to find some photos of the figures.
June 12th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
I remember Crystar. Me and my brother had a couple of the figures. I believe Crystar met his untimely end in the Freezer…though I can’t remember the exact details.
June 12th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Just to review:
“there” - a place…
“I put the Crystal Warriors over THERE”
“their” - possessive, belonging to a group…
“THEIR toys sucked donkey nards”
“they’re” - contraction of “they are”…
“THEY’RE the worst toys since Rock Lords”
June 12th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Hey thanks for tips PeolesDru. I am actually aware of the differences, but I had to write this post in a short amount of time. My seventy hour a job is cramping on my ability to provide you with the best possible free entertainment on the internet.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
I want one of the turd things! Not to collect as a toy, but to use for practical jokes pretending I’ve taken a dump somewhere.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Oh and Paul, is this shit free? So what’s that $40 you take out of my bank account every month for?
June 13th, 2007 at 12:00 am
Damn, you unearth the best stuff from the farthest reaches of my (at-best-faulty) memory.
June 13th, 2007 at 12:15 am
Paul - Your writing is otherwise pretty fluid, so I would have guessed you’d know the difference. But part of my free entertainment is being a hopeless pedant when it comes to those homophones.
June 13th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Emma: Thanks for the comment and reading. You can find pictures of the figures just by googling Crystar.
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XeQUae: Thanks for sharing, I can see where he’d go in the freezer, since he kind of looks like ice.
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GWS: Don’t credit me, credit the old ass comic books I read. I can’t remember what issue that was scanned from, but I assure you that it was probably horrible.
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DaveP: The sexy talk.
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PeolesDr: So you calling me gay?
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Yes, I am joking.
June 13th, 2007 at 11:31 am
No, Paul, I’m saying you *sound* gay.
June 13th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
I… supose that’s better.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
I had Ogeode, Zardeth and Feldspar. I think I actually saw on of the weapons to one of them the other day…
June 14th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Sorry I had to do that Keith. I feel bad when I make fun of a toy someone loved, but I couldn’t make fun of any toys if that had an influence on my posts!
June 15th, 2007 at 8:46 am
The sexy talk? But I thought that was free, and you did it because you enjoyed it?!
No dinner for you tonight big boy.
June 15th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Now I can see why PeolesDru thought I sounded gay…
June 15th, 2007 at 11:25 am
You mean you’re not? Well you should have said, before I left my other boyfriend for you. Men tut, they’re all the same.
February 29th, 2008 at 7:00 am
[...] 6 - FanFare: There really is one person that loves Crystar. I think an angel just got it’s wings or [...]