Toys that Time Forgot Special: The Top 10 Weirdest Toy Ads
While cruising around for toy commercials on YouTube, I ran across a bunch of them that were a little more notable than the rest. To put it simply, they were weird in some way. Here are the ten weirdest.
10. Star Wars:
This one is a bit newer, but still a strange ad courtesy of the Brits. It features the Star Wars figures… playing soccer. Just like in the movies!
09. Chargertron:
This commercial has a double helping of weird and lame. That theme song is beyond horrible that it sickens me. This is also one toy that’s a crappier Transformer copy than the Go-bots. Now that’s an accomplishment. Note the names of the robots at the end, it’s like the toy makers had no faith in their own product so they didn’t even bother trying.
08. Sectaurs:
When blatantly ripping off He-Man, the lesson learned here is not to make every figure and vehicle completely disgusting and creepy.
07. Leopardon:
Japanese toy commercials are the best. The toys are presented as almost real, especially the transforming robots that are shown transforming without the aid of some dumb kid. This ad is particularly notable for its brief and completely unexpected (for most) cameo by Spiderman. Yes, the Japanese had a live action Spiderman show where he had a giant robot. Let’s hope Sam Raimi keeps this in mind for Spiderman 4.
05. Lazy Daisy:
A doll that falls over. Yep, that’s all. No wonder the commercial is seven seconds long. The weirdest part of this commercial is the ironic tag line.
06. Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow:
Here’s an odd one for a toy cow that drinks water, which it mysteriously turns into “milk” so you can milk it. It’s amazing they stress that its not real milk at least twice, like that’s going to dissuade children from drinking whatever putrid substance that comes out of that lifeless cow’s teats.
04. Lazer Tag:
You want weird? How about a commercial that had a budget higher than most Roger Corman films? It’s too bad that Lazer Tag never caught on as the post-apocalyptic skateboarding/ATV pit competition that it was destined to be.
03. Blythe:
What the hell kind of name is Blythe for a doll? It’s a name for a Final Fantasy Villain, not a girl’s toy. Still, this thing has a lot going for it like soulless empty eyes that change colors courtesy of some deviltry, a horrid evil alien head that predates Bratz dolls by about 30 years, and a theme song by Blood Sweat and Tears.
“Stare into the electric eyes of Blythe and she’ll show you… the colors… that are reeaaaaaaal!” (cue brass section)
02. The Swing Wing:
Just watching the video should speak for itself. The Swing Wing looks like it was developed by a secret cabal of chiropractors intent on raising incidents of neck trauma in children for the benefit of their own pocketbooks. Either that or it was a last minute creation. “The commercial is shooting in ten minutes and we’re not ready… uh, get those tassels, the rubber part of that plunger, and a rubber band. It’s so crazy, it just might work!”
01. Hot Wheels Sizzlers:
This one is all about the subtext. Who is the odd man delicately handling these toys in his bizarre, empty room? What’s with the odd glass case he keeps his toys in? I’m afraid that the answers are much more sinister than they appear, if the creepy music is any indication. The spine chilling voiceover courtesy of Orson Welles’ ghost doesn’t help matters either. I think the answer is as obvious as it is horrifying. The man in the ad has murdered children and is keeping their Sizzler cars like Buffalo Bill keeps skin dresses. “They run… and run… and run… but they’ll never get away.”
Edit: It looks like YouTube is down right now, so please check back when they get their act together.
Edit 2: Looks like the videos are back up. Enjoy!
November 29th, 2006 at 8:39 am
OHMYGOD these are AWESOME. The Hot Wheels commercial – seriously, what were they thinking!? And the Blythe doll? When did that come out in relation to The Stepford Wives – ’cause that girl’s got some serious Stepford stares going on!
November 29th, 2006 at 8:59 am
Yes Paul this is truly bizarre
November 29th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Okay, the Lazy Daisy video wasn’t working when I checked before but it is now.
“Good thing she comes with her own pillow!” Polly said, innocently. “Let’s see what happens if she falls asleep on this balcony railing,” said her evil twin.
November 29th, 2006 at 4:46 pm
lol Polly. How many dolls are floppy like that? I think its crazy they advertised it as a feature.
November 30th, 2006 at 8:22 am
The manufacturer probably screwed up the doll. So, to recoup some of the losses, some brilliant marketing person turned falling over as a selling point.
The cow gives “pretend milk” and comes with some “pretend milk tablets.” Egad… shudder.
December 7th, 2006 at 2:05 pm
Oh man, that was fantastic! Your top 10 was probably the best that I’ve read in 6 months, and I check digg daily.
The last ad even game me some chills. Incidentally, you should probably check out my website. Yep. That’d be dandy.
December 9th, 2006 at 2:33 pm
Thanks for stopping by Ellis and leaving a comment. I’m glad you liked the list. It took me awhile to dig through all kinds of horrible commercials for it.
Don’t worry, I checked out your website its rather neat.
December 14th, 2006 at 1:28 am
Sectaurs!!! Heck yeah, I was telling my g/f about them just a few days ago. Everytime someone mentions “sectarian violence” on the news, I ALWAYS think of the Sectaurs. Damn my childhood memories!!!
December 14th, 2006 at 6:31 am
“Pull her ring, see her do her thing”
That’s actually a very rude statement in the uk
December 14th, 2006 at 8:55 am
See if you can find the ad for “Expanders.” They were like G.I. Joes, but, see, they EXPAND. The sarge gets a truly sick gleam in his eyes when he ends the commercial with the words “Ready to expand?!?!?!?”
Yes, thank you. Nowadays we have Cialis.
December 14th, 2006 at 9:58 am
Wow, some great comments guys.
Gavin: Thanks, now I’m going to think about that everytime now too. Somehow my aunt had one of those things at her house for us kids to play with. It freaked me out.
Smiler: That’s great. I’ll have to remember that one if I want to insult someone when I visit the UK
Tom: Thanks for the tip. I’ll try to track it down.
December 16th, 2006 at 12:45 am
I used to have the cow when I was a kid. You had to pull the udder off, and insert the tablet in a slot.
You would stick the cow’s head down into a bucket of water and pump the tail until it had it’s fill, at which point it’s head would pop up and it would moo.
I think I played with it all of twice like it was meant to be used, then I left the udder off and used it as a pump.
December 16th, 2006 at 12:58 am
lol Cigr. Thanks for that info. I wondered how that damn cow worked. I figured that it was magic devil powers… goes to show you how little I understand the world.
December 23rd, 2006 at 10:06 am
The voice over for the Hot Wheels Sizzlers is Paul Frees. He also did the voices for the Haunted Mansion ride in Disneyland, and I remember him in the old movie “The Thing,” he had a small part. He has a cool voice, he used to do a lot of voice overs.
December 23rd, 2006 at 10:40 pm
Thanks Rosie, I believe that Mr. Frees was channeling the ghost of Orson Welles. Welles was alive during the taping of this commercial, so it would have to be the future ghost of Welles…. that somehow… uhh…. pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!
January 14th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
I asked for that milking cow for 3 years from Santa and never got it. Funny how time warps your memory. I remember the cow being much bigger and giving real milk …ha ha
January 16th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Dee, judging by some of the comments I’ve seen about Milky its best that you didn’t have your hopes and dreams ruined by actually getting it.
February 23rd, 2007 at 11:45 am
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June 13th, 2007 at 3:59 am
LOL I had the Lazy Daisy doll when I was just a little thing. I saw her in the store,and it HAD to have her!Never even knew there was a commercial for her back then. You had to kind of ‘whip’ her and put her to bed. The doll’s body was like some sort of canister filled with sand,so when you turned her over and gave her a couple of swats,then you were supposed to sit her down,and she would nod off to sleep!Hey, I was only about 4 then-she entertained me! lol
June 13th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Thanks Barbara. Even though lots of people read this, I was hoping to get more stories like yours!
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October 5th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
I am just seeing this post now for some reason, but this is a great collection!! =D
Are you aware of the huge Blythe cult that exists now? At first I was really creeped out by Blythe dolls, but they’re kind of grown on me (metaphorically, that is). People hand sew amazing outfits for these things and there are international competitions for customized Blythe dolls…
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