Twilight Ruins Toys Like It Does Vampire Books and Flicks
All right, I admit that I’m being a little over dramatic with the headline up there. Seriously though, what’s with this Twilight stuff? It’s like there hasn’t ever been a vampire movie before. And the lead actor? Is there a guy who is as ugly as this dude is and is considered a pre-teen/teen heartthrob?
Anyway, Edward Cullen (the ugliest vampire in town) is being made into a seven inch tall toy(roughly three inches shorter than my wang).
Okay, maybe I’m not being fair here. I’m usually turned off to a medium when tons of girls jump onto it like their life depended on it. It’s the reason I stayed away from Harry Potter for years, but when I did watch the movies I realized I only disliked it a little bit. Perhaps I should give Twilight a chance… Oh what am I saying? Vampires have been ruined for a long time, ever since Anne Rice super gayified them. You can’t blame Twilight for that. Even if it’s the best vampire film ever, it’s still going to suck compared to anything with Peter Cushing or Lance Hendrickson in it.
By the way, watch this post six months from now when all the Twilight fans are Googling for stuff. When they find it they will leave nasty comments, oh yes, they will.
November 24th, 2008 at 10:58 am
I watched the movie on opening night. It was actually pretty good. I would recommend go seeing it.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Twilight has got to be the coldest, most calculated attempt to appeal to pre-teen/teen girls ever, and for that I actually kind of applaud it. Everything that doesn’t make sense in that book or movie (that the vampires have shiny sparkly skin, that the vampires don’t disintegrate in sunlight, that the vampire dude engages in behavior that would be labeled STALKING by anyone else…up to and including cutting the brakes in the chick’s car to prevent her from leaving, in a later book) can be answered with the fact that pre-teen girls think it’s romantic/pretty/nonthreateningly attractive.
November 24th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
As both a preteen girl and a vampire, I’m pissed. You are a big jerkass. Your opinion is not something you have the right to voice, I am extremely offended, and you should have to watch the movie repeatedly, ala Alex in Clockwork.
November 24th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
who will be worse: the Twilight fangirls who find this post the same day they get their first period, or the Insane Clown Posse nitwits who come around every few months and try to act tough?
November 24th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
The previews for this movie look terrible, the books are horrible, and I agree, that dude is pretty ugly. So is that toy. If the preteen girls attack you Paul, I got your back.
Sam
November 24th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Yeah, I think I’ll skip this one…
November 24th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
vampires are pretty dumb, unless you are killing them with a whip. even then they’re pretty dumb but they’re getting slain by a FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLER (FVK)
why is everyone huffy about this, it doesn’t pertain to any facet of my life. i had no idea what it was until just now.
i think there’s a possibility some story on NPR mentioned it on halloween when i was driving around, but… it could have been anything
November 25th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
D. Verburg. Hah, whip.
Yo: I dunno that’s a tough call. We also might have the contender of the Shocker Toy post now.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:25 am
For the record, Dr. Mrs. Ghostal (who is not a preteen girl, at least according to our marriage certificate) just read all the books and liked them, though she isn’t nutty-crazy-obsessive about them in any way.
Personally, they sound to me like the writings of someone who really like Buffy and Angel, but whatever. The author is now far, far wealthier than any of us ever will be.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Beg to differ on that last bit, Poe.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I may no longer be as wealthy as I once was but I think my island laboratory off the coast of a non-extradition country where I currently have rogue geneticists growing a small harem of feline-human-female hybrids for my prurient interests constitutes me having had, at one point, much much more money than Twilight-hack and J.K. Suckage combined.
Anti-Reading Boosh
December 15th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
[...] more fangy goodness or see why the vampire genre should be staked in the proverbial heart check out http://www.toybender.com/twilight-ruins-toys-like-it-does-vampire-books-and-flicks/. Did You Enjoy this Post? Subscribe to Comic Book Journal. It’s Free! « Back Home Posted in [...]
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 pm
[...] Edward Cullen is back and this time he brought his girlfriend whom he creepily obsesses over. That’s right, fans of the book series and the movie Twilight can get their hands on a two pack from NECA featuring everyone’s favorite ugly vampire Edward and his dopey girlfriend Bella. [...]
February 10th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Twilight is one of the best films ever! I loved it soo much, i have all the books, and they are just a bit better than the film, but the film is still great because Robert Pattinson and Jackson Rathbone and Ashley Green are in it….And for fucks sake…Edward is NOT ugly!!! He is obviously alot more godd looking than any of you!!! Soo why dont you just stop saying that he is, and if you dont like him then dont comment!! Its just sad!
February 10th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
And there’s the first one! Bring on the ill-informed dissenters!!
February 11th, 2009 at 4:15 am
Note to Paul: for April Fools’ Day, create one post insulting both Twilight and ICP, and see if the two fandoms eat each other…
February 12th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Twilight is such an awesome film! and why are you all such haters! the doll is cool, and so are he books, you are just sad that you have to say this stuff about the doll and everything, just because you want to feel good, but i tell you somethin’, millions of girls would torture you all if they actually heard you saying that! and you would deserve it!
February 12th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
“millions of girls would torture you all if they actually heard you saying that! and you would deserve it!”
That’s so hot. Bring it on!
February 12th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
If we tell them they can have our satan-babies, does that mean they’ll love us?
February 12th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Emma Hale09, you’re cool. lol. anyway, why do you post stuff like this, I really dont see the point, Im a Twilight fan, And Im not too keen on the actress that plays bella, Kristen Stewart, but I dont sit there making some stupid hater club thing, I really dont see a point in what you’re doing here. And btw, ‘yo go re’ satan-babies would be soo cool. and if you want haters then look at the old, wrinkley tramps, like some of the people that have wrote stupid comments about Edward, you got them, and they aint got a life!
D. Verburg Says:
‘vampires are pretty dumb, unless you are killing them with a whip’ erm you must be dumb, otherwise you would know that vampire cant get killed with a whip! I mean, come on, how dumb can you get! and i bet most of you aint read the books, so you cant really diss it, its a really great book!
February 12th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Uh, you can totally kill a vampire with a whip. Either dip it in a garlic/water mixture or tie a small cross at the tip of it. You can also aim for the small “off” switch at the base of their necks.
I don’t think *YOU* are the one that knows anything about vampires.
Also: If this post made you mad then check out this one: http://www.toybender.com/more-twilight-figures-sigh/
February 13th, 2009 at 12:45 am
why do you post stuff like this, I really dont see the point, Im a Twilight fan, And Im not too keen on the actress that plays bella, Kristen Stewart, but I dont sit there making some stupid hater club thing, I really dont see a point in what you’re doing here.
Well, the point is that he’s posting news about the Edward figure, and providing a bit of commentary to go along with it.
“NECA is making a Twilight figure.” That’s a fact.
“Twilight is like a teenage girl’s dream of changing her abusive boyfriend.” That’s an opinion.
Toybender is posting both facts and opinions. Because the facts are dull, and the opinions are silly and entertaining. So that should answer your question about why he’d post stuff like this, right?
I understand Edward is pretty popular with the old wrinkly tramps, not just teenage girls, though…
February 13th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
wow all u twilight haters on here are just reli sad….if you hate twilight so much why do you spend your time on this site talkin bout it u hypocrite, so go find sumthin better to do n stop pissin ppl off.
Carla Cullen n Emma Hale09 u both r class lol
February 13th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Yea i agree! lmao, N thanks Twilight_Elle your totally awesome too, they are sad for sitting here writing stupid comments, when they aint even read the FUCKING book!!!! or even seen the movie!! and paul, i think i know a lot more about vampires than you! omg, but ovb you are gonna think you know more aren’t you, cos you a sad twat that ovb aint got a fucking life, sitting here dissing Twilight!!
February 13th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
“paul, i think i know a lot more about vampires than you!”
That sounds like challenge. We should totally have a vampire trivia contest. It’s been awhile since I’ve been involved in a vampire challenge hoedown! I know so much about Draculars that it would make your head spin.
You may think you know vampires from Twilight, but you don’t. Edward ain’t no real dracula, like I said before. He doesn’t even have a cape!
And why are you calling me names? We don’t have to bring it to that level. Would Edward your pretend boyfriend call people names? I don’t think so.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
haha i’d love to see that. My money is on Carla Cullen.
Anyway wat u on bout Edawrd dsnt wear a cape…ofcourse he dosnt other wise he wuld stick out wuldnt he n he is tryin to do the complete opposite DUH!!!.
ok i luv vampires like Dracula but he is a complete opposite to Edward n da rest of his kind. there is not one type of vampire because different authors hav rote different things. so the challange prob wont work now stop writin bull shite bout vampires n wat they can n cant do coz all are different.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Twilight_Elle, I’d love to comment back, but you are typing gibberish or another language. Bablefish won’t translate your writing, so I’m assuming its gibberish.
February 13th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Dear Elle,
these are words. Try using some of them. When you want to talk like a grownup, then we’ll be over here having a normal discussion with Carla. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Life.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
hahaha, mow you being that sad that you saying that I think Edward my pretend boyfriend, sorry but no thats just really fucking SAD! and yeah, Edward don’t wear a cape cos he a completely different kind of vampire, like i said before, if you knew much ’bout vampires then you would know that there is different kinds of them! oh n thanks again Elle, i would bet on me too! haha, even my fuckin mom would probably know more about vampires than this little moron on here!!
February 13th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
oh and i forgot to say, yo go re, are you just like a little tag-a-long thing to Paul?…. or are you the same person, like making things up to try and get more bad comments about Twilight! totally stupid, dude its just sad, that you ain’t even read the freekin’ book, and you dissin’ Twilight, there really ain’t nothin’ wrong with it..
February 13th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Yo Go Re is not me. He runs OAFE.net, I’d suggest checking it out because it is a fine site.
And we don’t sit around all day making fun of Twilight. I put up a couple of articles saying negative things about it to see if I could lure people in to make fools of themselves.
Congratulations Carla, you have proven me beyond right.
p.s. I’d still kick your ass at vampire trivia. What’s a vampire’s least favorite breakfast cereal?
Wrong! It’s Lucky Charms. Lucky Charms.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I was introduced to the book by a female classmate while in school. She sold me on it, so I took her ON TRUST AS A FRIEND and started to read it.
My first reaction was W-T-F??!?
They’re re-packaging vampires completely and marketing them to a more naive market.
It’s like writing a book about unicorns, only they’re 18-feet high with giraffe-necks and three toes each.
Yeah, that would be a best-seller too.
-PJ
February 13th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Quote: “…yeah, Edward don’t wear a cape cos he a completely different kind of vampire,”
Ohhh, now she’s playing the White Wolf/WoD card!
Touche!
She’s more clever than I assumed. >;p
-PJ
February 14th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Twilight is a very calculated marketing ploy. For that I applaud it, as I have always said. Anybody who can figure out how to wring money out of teenage girls deserves every cent.
But Edward is still a pansy vampire whose skin is all glittery. Count Dracula would eat that noodle-armed sparkly puss for starters and then go after his little insipid, doe-eyed, idiotic girlfriend for an actual meal.
And before any Twilight idiots start claiming “you haven’t read the book,” I assure you as an English professor, the list of books YOU have read that I haven’t is painfully inadequate compared to its opposite number.
Now while you’re trying to figure out what any of this means I’m gonna go have another drink.
February 15th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Did anyone actually say that Carla had a pretend boyfriend?
February 16th, 2009 at 10:41 am
yo go re, yeah paul said it, and i cant be assed with this stupid, petty argumet now, just face it, haters of Twilight are totally outnumbered, by millions haha
February 16th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Since when were sales a direct indicator of quality?
February 17th, 2009 at 3:10 am
Lots of people like cocaine, too, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to be a cokehead…
February 17th, 2009 at 9:27 am
I think it’s clear at this point that every Twilight fan to have replied thus far has a collective IQ of somewhere between that half-empty jar of pickles that’s been in the fridge for several months…and a shoebox.
“Carla”, no one takes you seriously when you repeatedly say “They ain’t even read the book!” Really? Wow, that’s like a mentally deficient person making fun of a rocket scientist because the rocket scientist can’t eat as much mental institution cafeteria pudding as they can.
In other words, you and your Twilight faghag friends are doing little more than proving everyone making fun of Twatlight right.
Thanks!
June 24th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
[...] So I’m going to take it easy on you. No more making fun of Twilight to get Twilight fans to make any comments on the post, even though I state I’m doing it to get angry comments from rabid fans, because clearly [...]
June 24th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
40 comments!? OMG! I didn’t even get ONE comment when I summed-up the movie in a semi-hilarious way! Paul is THE MAN!
*high-fives* xD
June 28th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Well throw up a link, I’m sure it’ll suddenly get some heat…